


before it gets better (the darkness gets bigger)

by hidefromeveryone



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Elementary School, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Middle School, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asexual Character, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Drowning, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Overdosing, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-15 16:17:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8063275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidefromeveryone/pseuds/hidefromeveryone
Summary: Shaking hands met with three of his orange cylinders and the newest blade as he stumbled into the tub after locking the door. One was supposed to leave a note with these kind of things, but then again Pete supposed he had never been normal. Instead, he fired off a simple “i love you” to Patrick before silencing his phone.DISCONTINUED





	1. we're ending it on the phone

**Author's Note:**

> work title taken from "miss missing you" by fall out boy. 
> 
> shoutout to @emeraldcitydowntowngirl for beta reading this piece of trash and being my friend. 
> 
> shoutout to @spiella for being the best friend i could ever ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: beginnings of a suicide attempt, implied/referenced self harm, self harm, panic attack (vague)

Pete sat against the smooth porcelain of the bathtub, his knees drawn to his chest and his fingertips dancing across the tiles lining the floor. At some point he had been crying, if the tightness of his eyes, raw throat, and soaked shirt served as any form of evidence. Attempting to make himself smaller, he shoved his face into the rough folds of his limbs and bit through his lip until iron stained his taste buds. 

To his right was a beat-up backpack filled with half-full pill bottles and rusting box knives. None of the drugs worked, and if the old scars were anything to run by, neither did the pain. A low buzz came from the depths of the bag, but Pete couldn’t hear it through the haze surrounding him. 

Patrick had left an hour ago to run Joe and Andy home, and Pete had assured the younger teen he would be fine on his own for a few hours. He was almost 18, an adult. Not some pathetic emo kid with too many diagnoses. 

Clawing at his skin, a warm liquid began to drip and stain the floor as ragged fingernails tore through Pete’s flesh. In an attempt to stop his thoughts, Pete began ramming his skull into the tub behind him. 

He was tired of existing. Tired of hurting everyone around him as he slowly kept dragging himself downwards. Tired of being the problem everyone had to deal with. Tired of being a mistake. Tired of ruining everything he touched. 

Shaking hands met with three of his orange cylinders and the newest blade as he stumbled into the tub after locking the door. One was supposed to leave a note with these kind of things, but then again Pete supposed he had never been normal. Instead, he fired off a simple “i love you” to Patrick before silencing his phone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from "where did the party go" by fall out boy 
> 
> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone


	2. going down swinging

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts (vague mention)

Theoretically, Pete Wentz should have been fine. He should have had a good childhood, been a typical angsty teen, met a pretty girl in college, became an accountant or lawyer, and maybe had some kids along the way. He should have been the picture of the perfect American boy crafted in the dying dreams of a generation made during a world war. He should have made his parents proud. He should have never had to want to die. 

But Pete Wentz wasn’t fine, and he wasn’t anything close to what people expected from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from "save rock and roll" by fall out boy.
> 
> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone


	3. you're gone so soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: fighting, implied/referenced child abuse (very vague), self-hatred, self harm

Falling off the monkey bars sucked. Especially when that meant landing and rolling along the asphalt, rubbing the skin raw along his forearms. Pete attempted to stand, but fell forward into the arms of his teacher, Mr. Iero. 

“Woah there, buddy! Looks like you hurt yourself pretty bad there. Want to go see the nurse?” 

With an indignant huff, Pete twisted himself out of Mr. Iero’s arms and stomped away to the basketball court where Joe and Andy were wrestling over a basketball. It seemed as if neither of them could remember whose turn it was supposed to be, so Pete marched up and yanked the ball out of their swinging fists with a smirk on his face. 

“What? Pete, you’re a jerk!” screamed Joe, rushing towards the short boy. Pete moved to leave, but Joe tackled him and began to hit him in the chest, his uncoordinated limbs flailing about. Andy was by their side in seconds, soft voice ringing out concern about Pete’s arms which were still bleeding from his earlier tumble. 

“Are you okay, Pete? Joe, get off!” 

It wasn’t long after that one brooding Pete was driven home by his mom. Once inside his house, he ran to grab his blankets, which he huddled beneath and refused to come out from. He was crying, and big boys don’t cry. His dad would be mad at him if he caught him crying. 

Looking down at his arms, Pete grew angry at himself. Why had he fallen? He was so stupid! It was his fault this had happened, and then he had made his friends feel bad which made them have less fun. Squinting at the gauze covering his wounds, Pete began to pick at it. It was itchy, and he didn’t like it. 

Once the white medical linen was off, Pete glared down at the healing scabs and began to peel them off, ignoring the pain it caused and the drops of blood that fell onto his leg. He wasn’t exactly sure why he was doing this, but it felt good. And, after all, his injuries had ruined everything, so why did he deserve to heal? 

Patrick got off of school a few hours later, and came over as soon as his mom would let him. Ushering Pete to poke his head out of the blanket, Patrick passed him a controller and waved the Gamecube disk in his face. 

“Super Smash Bros.?” Patrick’s dimples stood out when he smiled. 

“Can I be Pikachu?”

“Yeah!”

“Awesome!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from "centuries" by fall out boy. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone


	4. might not turn out okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: implied/referenced self harm, anxiety disorder, eating disorder (not specified), self-hatred, low self-esteem

Patrick watched as Pete pulled out the apple and sandwich half from his lunch box, none of the usual chocolate cupcakes, Cheetos, or soda in sight. 

“Did your mom run out of food or something?" Patrick seemed genuinely confused by the sight of Pete’s lunch as he pulled down the sleeves of his hoodie. The heating was broken in the school that day, and Pete had given Patrick his jacket once he had noticed his friend’s shivering. 

Confused, Pete’s brow became furrowed and his eyes narrowed. 

“No...Is there something wrong with it?” His tone was a bit defensive and Pete immediately felt bad as he watched Patrick coil into himself. As punishment, he bit his inner cheek and dug his nails into his palms before grabbing the fruit. 

“No! No, not at all!” Patrick seemed to be stumbling over his words as he became more and more nervous. “It’s just, what about your normal stuff?”

“Oh.” With that, Pete stopped meeting Patrick’s eyes and looked down at his lap instead, fiddling with the edges of his shirt. “My mom says I should go on a diet.”

“What’s a diet?”

“A thing where you eat better food and less of it so you can lose weight.” 

“Why do you need to lose weight?”

“Because I’m fat.” With that, Pete felt Patrick grab his hands and he looked up to meet his eyes, which he saw were brimming with tears. 

“You’re not fat, Pete.” It wasn’t true, but Pete could tell he had made Patrick worried. He had made Patrick feel bad. He was a bad person. 

“Okay.” Uncomfortable silence surrounded the two until Joe and Andy came bouncing up to the table with their lunch trays, and they all launched into a passionate discussion about whether Pink Floyd or The Rolling Stones were a better band. Pete liked Nirvana more, but none of the others had ever heard of them so he stopped talking. He didn’t want his interests to ruin everyone else’s day. 

For the rest of the school year, Pete kept finding various Hostess foods, chip bags, sodas, candy, and cookies in his locker. He always made sure no one was looking before he threw them away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from "irresistible" by fall out boy. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone


	5. burying all of the evidence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: sexual assault, anxiety disorder, suicidal thoughts (vague), anxiety attack (vague), depression/self-hatred (vague), stalking (vague), child abuse (vague)

It was a sunny day in the spring, and Pete was out on the playground with Ashlee. He wasn’t exactly sure where Patrick, Joe, and Andy were, but Ashlee had said she wanted to play just with him, so they had disappeared to some other corner of the playground. Pete was leaning against the silver railings surrounding the soccer field, and Ashlee was doing cartwheels in the grass. They were out behind the portables, where they weren’t supposed to be. 

But it would be okay, because Pete was 10 now, and being 10 meant he had to take risks even though breaking the rules made his heart race and his hands shake. Absently tapping out a beat onto the metal, Pete was startled when Ashlee came skipping up and grabbed his arms. 

“What’re you doing?”

“We’re gonna play a game, Pete!”

“What kind of game?”

“I’ll be the trainer, and you’ll be my pokemon. You have to do what I say okay?”

Pete wasn’t exactly sure what kind of game this was going to be, but he also didn’t want to make her upset. A few days before he had stolen her ice cream and given it to Patrick when the younger boy’s cone had fallen onto the sidewalk. Stealing was bad, and he guessed he could make it up to Ashlee by doing what she wanted. 

He didn’t say anything as she kept her hands on his arms and twirled him around so that his spine was cutting into the metal railing and digging painfully into his back. Biting his lip, Ashlee then reached up under his shirt and began to rub her hands all over him, squeezing and twisting and grabbing and rubbing. 

Pete didn’t like this. He wanted it to stop. 

“Ashlee-” Her glare cut him off and Pete’s words became stuck in his throat as his fear overwhelmed him. He was scared, and didn’t like this. He wanted to leave. Squirming, Pete tried to get out from the position he was in, but she straddled him with her hips and put a finger to his lips. 

“Ah, what are you doing, Pete? This is our game, remember? If you leave, I’ll cry. Tell them you raped me. You don’t want that, do you?” Pete didn’t know what rape was. He didn’t want to know. He wanted to disappear. 

It wasn’t long before it was over. Pete found that he couldn’t quite remember what had happened. Using the rails to support his weak frame, he saw Ashlee retreat as the bell rang to go back to class. He felt weird, and remembered a hand going down his pants and-no. She had touched him there. And messed around with it. She had touched every part of his skin and he felt gross. A bit of capstick was still on his lips from where she had forced her tongue through. 

Pete was late to class, and his mom had to pick him up from school. She was upset, what was he thinking? It was too early to start bad habits, too early to be a bad boy. He didn’t want to be bad, but Pete had a feeling he already was. The Bible said he was a sinner, and Jesus was the one to save him.

Pete thinks Jesus forgot about him. 

The rest of that school year and the next he tried to avoid Ashlee, but she was always there. Hiding in the trees, sneaking into his classrooms, riding her bike past his house. Ashlee could always find him, and Pete wasn’t safe. But then Ashlee left, and Pete hoped she died. 

When he told his mom he hoped “that nice girl from three streets over” was dead, she hit his cheek and sent him to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from "circadian" by falling up. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone


	6. you won't hear a sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of cancer, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, implied/referenced child abuse, self harm, implied/referenced eating disorder, depression, low self esteem, self-hatred, anxiety disorder, suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced insomnia, implied/referenced seeing/hearing things not in reality

Okay, so maybe it hadn’t been Pete’s best idea to eavesdrop in on the phone call. 

Ear pressed against the wall and body still, Pete heard his mom drop the receiver and his dad’s pounding footsteps echo over the floor to pick it up. He couldn’t hear much of what they were saying to each other, but it was something about “breast cancer” and “stage four” and “low chance of survival.” It was only when his mom started sobbing that Pete’s stomach fully clenched and he balled up in pain, pulling out his phone to research what was going on. 

What he saw made him dive into his bed, cover himself with his sheets, and choke on the cotton as his lungs closed up. Pete couldn’t breathe, but it didn’t matter because he was shaking and black spots danced across his vision. The last thing he remembered was vomiting before he passed out from lack of oxygen. 

Waking up to a quiet house, Pete tiptoed out into the kitchen to see if his favorite shirt was clean. That morning his mom had put it into the dryer, and the one he was wearing was covered in sweat and vomit. 

“What are you doing, Pete!” His mom’s tone was hard and cut through his nerves as he popped open the dryer door. Hunching down, he mumbled something about grabbing his shirt, which his mom declared was “about the most selfish thing she’d ever heard” before leaving him standing alone in the kitchen with a tight chest and failing breaths. 

It was sixth grade. Pete was starting middle school, and his mom had cancer. He told no one, but Patrick and Joe and Andy figured it out. Maybe it was the bruises left over from Pete punching himself until the wind was knocked out of his chest or the red scratches along his arms from him clawing at his skin. Maybe it was Pete never eating unless he was around anyone or the dried tears he tried to hide on his face every morning. Or maybe it was them coming over one afternoon right after his parents had finished fighting. 

Pete’s parents were always fighting now. This time it had been over the fact that his college fund had been spent on more treatments. 

The three had simply followed Pete into his room, which was covered in dirty clothing items and dishes. It smelled like the sheets hadn’t been cleaned in months. 

“Are you okay, Pete?” As Patrick’s question rang through the air, Pete simply...broke. Collapsing to the floor, tears running rivers down his cheeks, Pete shrieked as the three crowded him into a hug. 

“Don’t touch me! I’m not worth this!” Pete lost control of his breathing as the three merely tightened their grip, and Pete bucked wildly in an attempt to get out of their hold. 

“Pete! We care about you. Calm the fuck down and let people be nice to you!” Andy had raised his voice, and Andy never raised his voice, so Pete stilled in their arms until only his ragged breathing and sobs filled the air. 

“I’m sorry.” Pete wouldn’t meet their eyes anymore. 

“For what, Pete?” This time it was Joe that joined in on the conversation. 

“For bothering you with this.”

“It’s not a bother, dude. We’re your friends-this is what we’re here for.” As Joe lay back onto the floor, his curls flopped forward into his face. “We’re not leaving you.”

He didn’t believe them, but Pete didn’t want to make them feel even worse. He didn’t deserve his friends. They were good, and he was bad. But he was selfish, and probably forced them to stick around all the time because he was so sad. They just felt guilty. With a laugh, he tossed his head back-hard-into the ground. 

“Maybe I’ll have to leave you three, then.”

He didn’t see the concerned glances thrown between his friends as he dozed off, having not slept for almost three days. 

The rest of the school year was spent not looking at his mom because her bald head scared him. It was spent sitting in hospital rooms as his mom’s arm got more needles stuck in it. It was spent riding in the back of a car with rain falling down outside as his parents fought. It was spent becoming less of a concern to his parents because he didn’t want to be one more thing they had to worry about. 

He didn’t tell them about how he wanted to stop living sometimes, and that when it was late at night he thought he heard voices and saw the shadows move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from "magic mountain" by firekid. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone


	7. when people try and put the pieces back together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: implied/referenced bullying, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, insomnia, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, disassociation, implied/referenced self harm
> 
> chapter title taken from "summertime" by my chemical romance.

It was Halloween, and Pete was dressed up as the Phantom of the Opera. 

In hindsight, wearing eyeliner as a guy and dressing up as a character from a musical might not have been the best idea when heading to a dance full of the people who had been bullying him since the start of middle school. But it was eighth grade now, and the universe could catch him a break, right? 

Wrong. 

Pete wove in and out of the crowd as people shoved him with their shoulders and spilled punch down his shirt, leaving a bright pink stain down his father’s best work shirt. Reaching the safety of the wall, he slid down the smooth concrete until he was resting on the gym tiles where Patrick, dressed as a half-angel, half-demon, found him half an hour later. 

“What’s up, Pete?” Patrick forced Pete to his feet, although Pete’s eyes remained focused on the shined parts of Patrick’s shoes. 

“I’m fine, Patrick.” It was quiet, as if waiting for Patrick to get angry at him for not being out on the dance floor, enjoying the party. With a sigh, Patrick put his face in his hands. Why couldn’t Pete just trust him? 

“You’re not.” Turning to leave, Pete made it to the exit door before Patrick caught up to him and caught ahold of his wrists. 

“I am, Patrick. I’m fine.” And maybe, Pete could have pulled it off. Maybe Pete could have convinced the searching eyes that he was okay even though he thought about killing himself every day. Maybe Pete could have hidden his lidded eyes and dark circles from everyone in sight. He could pretend to be happy, right?

But Pete was crying, because that was what Pete did. He cried when people asked how he was because the thought of anyone caring enough to actually want to know how he was feeling was overwhelming. He didn’t deserve anyone’s love, and it didn’t make sense why Patrick was still sticking around with a fuck-up like him. 

Patrick took Pete in his arms and picked him up bridal style, ignoring the older boy’s weak protests as he made his way towards Andy’s van which the four of them had all come in. Once at the doors, Patrick eased Pete onto the pavement momentarily before opening the door, and then he picked his best friend up once more.  
It wasn’t long before they were lying in the back, huddled under musty blankets. Pete was mostly calm except for his tell-tale lack of breathing. Even with eyeliner running down his cheeks and a red nose, Pete was the most beautiful person Patrick had ever known. 

Reaching over, Patrick entwined his fingers with Pete’s, who stilled at the warmth of the contact. 

“Is this okay?” Patrick moved closer, until the sides of their thighs were brushing each other and their socked feet became overlapped. Pete nodded, robotic, almost as if he was running through expected motions. 

“Pete, I need you to talk to me. Can you look at me?” It took a while, but Pete’s eyes eventually met Patrick’s concerned irises and the corners of his lips turned upwards. 

“Yeah, it’s okay.” Patrick’s beaming grin seemed to light up the van as the midnight hour came ever closer. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

“Yeah.” And so their lips met in a wave of everything that they’d ever felt. Pete smiled wider beneath Patrick’s cherry lips, and Patrick would be lying if that wasn’t the best damn sight he’d ever seen. It was long and deep, everything a first kiss should be. It was made out of broken records and faded ink. Warm sweaters and beat-up boots. Cups of cold coffee and warm tea in soup bowls. Patrick’s desires and Pete’s dreams. 

It was only when Patrick shifted to be slightly on top of Pete that the kiss became broken, as Pete turned his head to look away. Noting the change, Patrick moved away to give Pete some space, but as soon as he noticed his friend retreat into the fetal position and lose control of his breathing he came closer again. 

“What can I do, Pete? Can I touch you?” At this, Pete vehemently shook his head, banging his skull against the metal walls of the vehicle. 

“Okay, just listen to my voice. Breathe with me, okay? In and out.” Calmed down once more after some time had passed, Pete scuttled across the bed of the van into Patrick’s arms. 

“I’m sorry.” It was soft, a murmur in the folds of Patrick’s costume. 

“You don’t have to be sorry for anything, Pete. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Pete whined into Patrick’s chest, and the younger boy tightened his hold on the distraught teen. 

“I don’t...I...I like you a lot, Patrick. I love you. I just...I don’t...I kind of....don’t like sex? And I’m sorry I know that sounds really weird, I just have no interest in it and I never have and I know it’s not normal, but I just...I don’t want it. I don’t feel any of that...I never had. Kissing is fine...just, uh...I don’t have any interest in anything else. I’m sorry, and I understand if you don’t want to be with me.” Patrick pulled back enough so he could meet Pete’s eyes, and grew concerned as he saw the tears running down Pete’s face. 

“Pete. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re completely normal. You’re asexual, which is cool. I’m totally fine with it, man. Sex doesn’t make a relationship. It can be an aspect of some, but it doesn’t have to be there. I want to be with you, Pete. That is, if you want to be with me?” In response, Pete pecked Patrick on the cheek and the gesture was met with a raging blush. 

“I’d love to be your boyfriend, Trick.” Not long after, Joe and Andy came back to find the two boys passed out in the back and decided to leave them be. Climbing into the front, Andy started the van as Joe suppressed a yelp and pulled out the incriminating object that had found a home in his seat. 

It was Pete’s journal, and as he went to smooth out the pages Joe’s eyes caught onto a few lines in particular. Lines about how everything was meaningless and time meant nothing. Lines about how life goes on to pass Pete by and leaves him in the dust, worthless. Lines about how existing was hard more often than not and sometimes it was easier to sleep than be awake. 

“Hey, Andy?” A hum acknowledged that Andy was paying attention as Joe’s frightened eyes met his gaze in the rearview mirror. Although he couldn’t see the contents of the journal, Andy had a fair idea of what lay in it. Despite everything he thought he hid easily, Pete was a very easy person to read. Sliding his bottom lip between his teeth, Joe pulled his curls down over his eyes before speaking again. 

“Do you think Pete is going to be okay?” It was not a matter of if Pete was okay or when Pete was okay. It was a matter of if it was even possible, if the future was going to be kind to a boy who had already been through too much. 

“I don’t know, Joe. Not anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @hidefromeveryone 
> 
> i almost killed myself monday night and am still not doing too well so it might be a while before an update happens i'm so sorry.


End file.
